I want to start this off by saying that I know talking about feeding your baby is a very delicate and sensitive subject so I want to emphasize that this is my journey and yours will likely look very different. The only reason I want to share my story is so that I might help at least one of you feel better about choosing not to breastfeed because I know that it took me a long time to be ok with it. To be honest, there are days where I still feel guilty/sad that breastfeeding didn’t work for me.

But let’s rewind back to the beginning. 

There I was, lying in the hospital bed with Nico on my bare chest, blissfully enjoying our first skin-to-skin moments, when the nurse came over and informed me it was time to try to feed him. There was no question about how I wanted to feed him; it was assumed I would be breastfeeding. My feeding plan throughout my pregnancy was to breastfeed, so I happily went along with it. I immediately regretted it. He started wailing and I mean screaming like he was in pain kind of crying as we tried to get him to latch and eat. This was not long after I had just given birth and my hormones were already out of sorts. Hearing my son cry (in what sounded like awful pain) for the first time, and in reaction to me trying to offer him food from my body is something I will never forget. I have never felt so guilty and sad in my life. Emotions I never would have imagined I would feel just moments after having Nico. 

So many questions swirled around my head, but mostly questions of self doubt. I asked the nurse, “Do you think I’m not producing enough milk? Or that he might not like breastfeeding and might want to do a bottle?”. She pretty much shut me down. She chastised me for thinking that. She scolded me saying, “Why would you think that? Your body knew how to grow and birth the baby, why would you think that you wouldn’t produce enough milk or that your baby won’t want it?”. So on I went, thinking breastfeeding was my best/only option.

We stayed in the hospital for about 1.5 days. We continued to try breastfeeding with little to no success. Nico was crying every time we tried to feed, which was basically 24/7 minus maybe 30 minutes between each feed. Travis and I were emotionally/physically exhausted. To top it all off, our hospital room had breastfeeding advertisements hung up all over the walls…there was nothing about pumping or formula. We had nurses come to check in on us, hearing about our struggles, but never offering an alternative. Eventually, a lactation specialist came in to try to help us, but it made little to no difference.

We got home Saturday morning (I went into labour Thursday night). I was so happy to be home because I wanted nothing more than be in our own space with Nico, but I had this unavoidable sense of doom in my gut . I couldn’t stop worrying about being able to feed him properly. Things kept going the same way they had been at the hospital. Trying to feed every 2 hours… where every feed took 1 to 1.5 hours so we didn’t have time to do much else. I was lucky if I could get 20 minutes (if any) of actual sleep between feeds. 

Between the lack of sleep, crying baby, and hormone imbalance – I was struggling. 

On Monday we had our first paediatrician appointment. We found out he had lost weight. To be honest I wasn’t surprised because he cried so much I felt he was expending more energy/calories than what he was getting. We were asked to come back the next day after trying to feed him again.

But even with Nico’s weight loss, his doctor did not offer any solution to our feeding predicament. She kept saying to keep trying to breastfeed because its “better”… even though I had shared our struggles. I was surprised that a practicing doctor shared such bias towards breastfeeding, which made me feel more guilty about even thinking about trying to pump.

When we got home after the appointment, and tried breastfeeding again… I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. I could not continue to watch Nico cry so hard, knowing he wasn’t eating enough, and continue to ignore my own instincts. I knew something had to change. So I grabbed my Philips Avent Double Electric Breast Pump and started to pump and I never looked back. The first time we offered Nico the bottle with my pumped breastmilk, he drank it up like he was the happiest baby. Pumping immediately felt like the right direction for us. Things changed for the better very quickly. When we went back to the paediatrician the next day, she was actually in awe over how quickly his weight had bounced back. And even more shocked when I told her I had switched to pumping and Nico took to it like a bee to honey. It made me so happy to hear that something was working and that he was now on a good weight track.

One of the major contributing factors to why my pumping journey has been such a positive one is the Philips Avent Double Electric Breast Pump. I talked about it in my baby’s essentials video (while I was still pregnant) and did not know how much I would end up relying on it because I had no idea how my feeding journey would go. This pump has quickly become my “breast” friend!

Some reasons why I love this pump so much:

●      The pump is super portable (rechargeable, small and lightweight!), which is super important when I’m home alone with Nico and need to pump. I can easily move around with the pump & try to soothe him if needed. 

●      The rechargeable battery also lasts so long! I pump 20 mins every 8 hours and I can go through 2 full sessions without needing to recharge. This will be a bigger game-changer if/when I am no longer home all day. 

●      It’s super comfortable. My fear of having cracked/painful nipples have been squashed. I know that breastfeeding is totally different, but I had always thought that anything pulling on my nipples would hurt/or cause cracked nipples. I never imagined pumping would be such a calming/painless experience. This pump has a soft part silicone cushion that attaches to my boob and helps stimulate/pump around my nipples/boob, which is super comfortable. So comfortable that I sometimes forget I’m pumping… which also leads me to my next point…

●      It is so quiet! Sometimes Nico is napping right beside me when I pump and the sound is so quiet that it doesn’t wake him up! 

●      Completely customizable. When I first started pumping I chose stimulation and expression levels that were on the lower end to test things out. I have since then increased the levels to help / keep up with my supply. I still play around with the levels every so often – mostly depending on how engorged I’m feeling. It has 8 stimulation and 16 expression levels – and being able to choose from so many different levels is super helpful. 

Also, since I’m exclusively pumping, I have been using bottles to feed Nico (lots of bottles lol). I’ve been using the Philips Avent Natural bottles with their natural nipples that have different flow rate options as your baby grows. I felt super comfortable using these bottles/nipples because they allow for a natural latch so that I can still try to breastfeed every so often to see if Nico will start to enjoy it. (Update: he still cries bloody murder whenever we try). We’re currently using the “1” nipples, which are meant for 0m+ babies. We’ve tried the “2”, but found that it’s a bit too fast of a flow for him right now because he seems to get gassier and spits up more when we use it. We’ve found finding the right flow rate in a bottle makes a huge difference with how comfortable Nico is after his feeds. Plus, now that he’s getting stronger and learning to use his hands, he’s actually starting to grab for the bottle himself! The ergonomic shape of the bottle helps him grip it better and makes it easy for me to hold too ☺.

This Philips Avent Double Electric Pump and my decision to exclusively pump not only allowed me to start having a happy/comfortable/calm feeding relationship with my son, but also completely saved my mental health. I had known going into motherhood that breastfeeding might not work for me, . butSo I didn’t expect the amount of sadness, guilt and stress I felt when it didn’t actually happen work for me. I think it’s because I was surrounded by the posters on the wall of our birthing suite, constantly reminded by nurses/physicians that breastfeeding is “the best”, and on social media/movies/tv shows where the ideal picture of motherhood is typically a mom breastfeeding their child. I felt like I wasn’t trying hard enough to be a good mom. Somehow even though I kept telling myself that I would be ok if I didn’t breastfeed, I still felt like a failure when I couldn’t breastfeed Nico. It has taken me a while to accept the fact that pumping exclusively was the best thing for me mentally and physically. And there are still some days where I feel the shame, but I’m working on it. 

But I will say that the moment I decided to exclusively pump, the weight of the fear/guilt/sadness I felt every time it was time to breastfeed Nico was now gone. Feeding time was no longer a high stress situation, but one that provides both of us a calm moment together. Plus, Travis was now able to partake in the experience too.

Alas, our feeding journey is continually evolving. I am still exclusively pumping, but we found out recently that Nico may have Proctolitis. Apparently, it is very common in babies and usually presents itself around the 2 month mark. It means that he might have an allergy/sensitivity to dairy and soy protein. We found some blood in his poop one day and let me tell you – finding blood in your baby’s diaper is a scary scary experience. Thankfully it wasn’t a lot, but being a first time mother … my mind just went to worst case scenario. His paediatrician pediatrician explained that it is most likely Proctolitis so I should start an elimination diet (removing dairy and soy). We’re trying it out for 3 weeks because that’s how long dairy/soy protein takes to come out of my system (and therefore Nico’s). So we will see how things go. 

Hopefully, reading this helps at least one of you feel better about your feeding journey. Hopefully, reading this helps you realize that it’s okay that your journey doesn’t look like that “picture perfect” breastfeeding journey that you’ve been led to believe is the norm. And hopefully, reading this helps you be kinder to yourself and help with any guilt or sadness you’re feeling. And remember: FED is best! You’re doing amazing, and your baby is lucky to have you!!

 Xx

Jess

Paid partnership with Philips Avent, all thoughts and opinions are my own.